Harry Potter and the Crossover From Hell
by Ninjagrrl
Summary: The shinigami on their most dangerous assignment yet.. taking on Lord Voldemort and his sixty illegitimate American transfer student daughters. Humour.


Harry Potter & The Crossover From Hell

Author's Notes – Not my best humour fic, but I needed something to counter the overwhelming ANGST sneaking into everything YnM at the moment, and this somehow happened. It won't quite fit with the story following on from the Half-Blood Prince, partly because I haven't got the books here and it's been a while since I read them, and mostly because I'm quite lazy and can't be bothered trying to make the impact of Dumbledore's death and the hunt for each Horcrux humorous, particularly when it's virtually all about YnM characters.

Disclaimer – I am not on crack. Also, I don't own any of the recognisable characters or concepts. No profit is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.

Neither are the houses of Bitchiwitch and Sparklypoo my own invention. I have no idea who created them, but whoever it was, I salute them.

"At last. You're here," Konoe looked frighteningly solemn. Worse yet, he hadn't said anything about the pair of them being late, or the fact that Tsuzuki was inexplicably wearing a large strawberry cheesecake as a hat. Hisoka went to apologise both for lateness and cheesecake (he had clearly warned Tsuzuki several times that when they were late for a meeting was no time for a "quick snack", and that if he didn't hurry up and finish it in under 0.4 seconds, he'd end up wearing it), and then he noticed the grave mood. Tsuzuki was particularly concerned that Tatsumi was wearing an odd expression that on anyone else, he would probably describe as "paralysed with fear". But since it was Tatsumi, he assumed it was probably some new and ever more fearsome variant on TatsumiRage© that they had yet to experience. For a moment, he felt sorry for whoever was on the receiving end. Then he suspected (quite wrongly, as it happened) that a late Tsuzuki wearing a strawberry cheesecake for a hat was probably quite high on Tatsumi's list of least-favourite things (perhaps not so very far behind a dancing, chocolate-syrup covered Muraki performing the Dance of the Seven Veils while tearing up 50 yen-off supermarket coupons) and started pre-emptively feeling sorry for himself instead.

"I'm afraid this is perhaps your worse assignment yet," Konoe looked anguished. "I've already explained it to the others, since this will require at least six shinigami. The world is in terrible, terrible danger."

"What is it?" he asked, since Tsuzuki was quivering uncontrollably. Hisoka wiped a considerable amount of spattered strawberry cheesecake from his shoulder and resumed trying to look like a serious, respectable member of the afterlife's only defence against evil from all six known dimensions.

"The British shinigami are trying to deny it," Konoe said fretfully. "They keep telling us to calm down and have a nice cup of tea, they've seen worse in the Blitz. It's understandable, really. They must be overcome with fear."

"What is it?" Hisoka asked again.

Konoe held up a photo of a teenage boy with messy black hair and thick glasses. Tsuzuki wondered for a brief, frightening moment if the inhabitants of Myspace were collectively trying for world domination, since that was a battle he was not willing to fight. "This boy," Konoe said dramatically. "is Harry Potter. The only thing standing between complete annihilation of the non-magical humans."

"What's Muraki up to this time?" Tsuzuki asked through a mouthful of cheesecake. Apparently, the possibility of complete annihilation of non-magical humans did nothing to ruin his appetite. Neither did the delicate but distinct flavour that only hair gel could add to a large strawberry cheesecake.

"It's not Muraki for once, actually," Konoe said. Although he suspected that no doubt Muraki would worm his way in as soon as he knew Tsuzuki was involved, even if he had to run around Hogwarts naked, shouting the supervillain equivalent of "Look at me, Mr Tsuzuki! Lookatmelookatmelookatme! No hands!". Konoe did often wonder if they should ask about the possibility of resurrecting a couple of psychologists as full-time shinigami just to deal with Muraki's attention problem.

"Anyway," he continued. "the person responsible is one Lord Voldemort. Apparently, he's been around for a while, but the British shinigami are happy to let small magical schoolboys take care of it. It seems to have worked until a couple of years ago. You will have to stealthily infiltrate a school full of magical children-"

Tatsumi definitely made a noise which Hisoka could best describe as "wibbling".

"-and find one of the last two remaining pieces of his soul, which he appears to have hidden in the school of magic he attended as a boy. Once this is found, you will do your best to ensure that Harry Potter succeeds in destroying Lord Voldemort forever. By the way, what's with the cheesecake?"

- - -

Trying to teleport around the world to new locations wasn't as easy as it looked, and much harder than simply popping between dimensions. Since the shinigami rarely had reason to leave Japan, they didn't have much practise at it. Watari had attempted to go on vacation once, overshot Venice by several light years and spent his two weeks of paid holiday pottering around on an uncharted planet in a distant galaxy. He hadn't minded so very much, and his holiday photos were certainly a lot more impressive than the pictures Saya and Yuma brought back of themselves posing in Ibiza with various drunken English tourists, all wearing pretty blouses and a nice skirt.

So they took the plane rather than risk getting lost and spending the next two weeks trying to round up Tsuzuki from a diamond mine a mile below the Earth's surface, Tatsumi from the tip of George Washington's nose at Mount Rushmore, Hisoka from a French brothel and Watari from planet 'Zqwæklp 13', as the local inhabitants had called it.

Of course, taking the plane wasn't all that much easier. Tatsumi was going quietly hysterical over the budget, particularly after it emerged they had been booked into first class. Tsuzuki was worse on flights than the average small, wriggly child, and the flight attendant was kept extremely busy persuading him not to kick the chair in front, it was bothering the nice millionaire businessman. Hisoka realised empathy was a very bad thing to have on a flight, and spent most of it locked in the toilets suffering from a sort of super-concentrated empathic-airsickness. Watari had came quite close to dissecting the plane mid-air to "see how it worked". Saya and Yuma were slowly losing it due to the prospect of a several hour flight and no Hisoka emerging from the toilets to be made over. In the end, Tatsumi had became their unwilling canvas simply to shut them up.

"Hurrah, England!" Tsuzuki cheered as they emerged at the other side of the world. He was the only one not suffering from severe jetlag.

"Scotland," Tatsumi corrected. "Hogwarts is in Scotland. Shall we go collect our luggage?" He waited optimistically for a moment or two, and then gave in. "Fine. I'll go do it. Just try not to get into trouble."

Tsuzuki had ran off to hit the airport cafes, deeply traumatised by an aeroplane's excuse for in-flight "dessert". Watari had whipped out his pocket-sized molecular analysis kit (kept next to his pocket-sized first-aid kit, pocket-sized laptop and pocket-sized functional magnetic resonance imaging machine) to examine one of the in-flight sandwiches he had liberated from the plane, convinced it was made from something not of this world. Hisoka was passed out quietly on the floor. And Saya and Yuma's eyes had lit up simultaneously as soon as they emerged from the plane.

"Is that man.. wearing a skirt?"

Tatsumi was already not in his best mood due to finding out that all the luggage had gone missing, except for Saya and Yuma's seven pink suitcases. Firstly, this meant he had to carry seven pink suitcases, and secondly, now that all their clothes had disappeared, he had to choose between his fetish for keeping a low budget, and the fact that the girls would inevitably suggest the others simply borrowed their clothes rather than buy new wardrobes to last them while they were at Hogwarts. It perhaps said a lot about Tatsumi's psyche that he could entertain the idea of marching around in a pretty, floaty skirt for a few weeks rather than pay out ten pounds at a charity shop.

Once he returned, he wasn't particularly thrilled to discover that he now had to calm down a large, angry Scotsman who was not at all happy at two hyperactive Japanese girls spotting his kilt and assuming he would react well to offers of a makeover and a sudden, stealthy squirt of cherry-scented hair glitter. Particularly as Tatsumi was not entirely sure he had managed to remove all the lipgloss the girls had given him during the flight. Once that was sorted out, he found that Watari had caused an explosion (admittedly, a fairly minor one by Watari's standards, but in an airport that was never a smart idea) and Tsuzuki had already spent three day's worth of budget in the cafe.

"He can have my food budget," Hisoka mumbled from the floor as an argument threatened to start. "For the next _week_."

They all piled into a minivan for as far as they could go, and then waited for the transport sent from Hogwarts. It arrived in the form of carriages. Since shinigami were fairly well-acquainted with death, they had no problem at all seeing the Thestrals.

"PONIES!" Saya squealed excitedly, and the two girls pounced on them. The lizard-like horses were looking decidedly nervous, since most peoples' reactions to them involved screaming and running away, not attempting to braid ribbons into their manes. "Shall we call this one Honeysuckle?"

"Ooh yes, and this one looks like a Blossom!"

It didn't take too long to arrive at Hogwarts. Their escort, a rather large man named Hagrid, filled them in on the sneaky undercover roles they would be taking. Tsuzuki would be assisting Hagrid with the care of various magical animals, since past experience had shown he was somewhat sturdier than the average shinigami when it came to surviving various types of dismemberment. Tatsumi was teaching classes in shadow magic. Watari was assisting the potions master, as his knowledge of chemistry would hopefully translate well. Hisoka, Saya and Yuma were all being passed off as exchange students. Hagrid assured them there was no need to worry about accidentally letting their empathy and/or other shinigami abilities show, since apparently Hogwarts was very used to American exchange students with all kinds of magical abilities. In fact, compared to catgirls, pyrokinetics, hordes of animagi and Lord Voldemort's sixty illegitimate daughters, they would probably blend in quite well.

Hagrid was also surprisingly good natured about the prospect of being given a makeover at some point.

"Yeh should speak to Professor Snape if he ever comes back, yeh should," he told Saya and Yuma. "I reckon he's just always wanted teh feel pretty."

They arrived at the school just before tea time, as the hall was filling up with students. Hisoka appeared to be on the point of a panic attack as the Hogwarts pupils came flooding in. "They're under a curse- they're going to attack-"

Tsuzuki patted Hisoka on the head. "This," he explained kindly. "is how real teenagers act. Not like tinier, grumpier Tatsumis. You should watch and learn."

"Yeh can send yer owl with the rest of them, missie," Hagrid told Watari. As 003 disappeared, Tatsumi, Tsuzuki and Watari went to take seats at the staff table, while Hagrid waited with the other three during McGonagall's opening speech and the sorting of the first years.

"And now, we have five new exchange students to welcome," McGonagall said. She had a decidedly sour look on her face. "I trust everyone will make them feel very at home. First to be sorted, Ravena von Spookypants."

Hisoka glanced around, and noticed that a new girl had joined the group. She was wearing artfully ripped robes covered in band patches, over the smallest school uniform he'd ever seen. Her lustrous black and red hair flowed like liquid midnight down to the floor and trailed three feet behind her. Somehow, no one was bothered that she was wearing heavy eyeliner, black lipstick and six facial piercings. She marched over to the stool and slammed the Sorting Hat on her head.

There was a moment of silence, and then the hat sighed audibly. "Fine. Fuck it. I don't care any more. Ignore all my requests for a new Bitchiwitch house. SLYTHERIN!"

Ravena stormed over to the Slytherin table, inexplicably punched Pansy Parkinson in the face and then pulled out a hipflask and replaced her pumpkin juice with straight absinthe.

"Sparkles McFluffylicious!"

An ethereal-looking girl with waves of silky blonde curls the colour of honey and sunshine and sparkling eyes the colour of emeralds and forests skipped over to the stool, leaving a waft of strawberry scented air and a trail of glittering pink sparkles in her wake. The hat seemed to be on the point of a nervous breakdown.

"I can't do this any more! GRYFFINDOR!"

"Hisoka Kurosaki!"

Hisoka put the hat on. Everything went dark.

"How refreshing," The hat sounded quite shaky. "No rainbows and kittens here. I wish it was possible for a hat to turn to drink sometimes, I really do. Right, you're the shinigami here to help with Voldemort. I'll put you in SLYTHERIN then, we need a spy to listen out for information there."

Hisoka went over to the table. A horde of American goths scowled at him furiously. Ravena turned around in her seat and gave him a long look, then undid another button on her school shirt. Her enormous bosoms joyfully leaped out, almost giving the nearest student a black eye.

Saya and Yuma were sent to Hufflepuff ("It's always the quiet ones you need to watch out for, so you can go spy on them.") and Gryffindor ("All that energy? I wouldn't inflict you on anywhere else.") respectively.

After the feast, they all disappeared their own ways, ready to start the search for the remaining Horcrux the next morning.

- -

Hedwig gave the new owl a funny look. There was something not quite right about it.

"Hoot," 003 said determinedly, doing her very best to fit in. She cleared her throat and tried again. "Hoot, hoot? HOOT!"

Hedwig wondered why the new owl was telling her that the main export of Zqwæklp 13 was novelty teapots and potato jam.

- -

Hogwarts..

Muraki's mismatched eyes lit up as he finally saw the place. They really did light up- he had a special LCD bulb installed in the false one to flash menacingly at times when it was needed.

"Oh, good evening," Professor McGonagall said, emerging from the gates a second before Muraki would have attempted to march through them and instantly been fried by an anti-intruder charm. "You must be the new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher."

Muraki thought about the odd-looking fellow in the robes and pointy hat that he'd killed on the way down. "Looks like I am," he agreed, following her into the grounds, blissfully unaware of the terrible curse that meant any DADA teacher would inevitably end up jobless, dead, losing their memory, getting enthusiastically kissed by a Dementor, kicked around by centaurs or.. well, killing the headmaster and running off laughing into the sunset.

- -

"So, what is a Horcrux anyway?" Watari asked the next morning. He and Tatsumi had decided to go out and survey the grounds at dawn, before they had to go busy themselves with lessons and trying to blend in.

"A magical object containing a piece of someone's soul, to help them achieve immortality," Tatsumi answered. "We believe Lord Voldemort has seven, altogether."

"Tearing your soul into seven pieces? That's impossible," Watari looked bemused.

"Watari?" Tatsumi said gently. "We're dead. And floating forty feet in the air with no visible support. Also, I happen to know your admittedly quite lustrous hair is not the work of any mere, mortal shampoo. I don't think we're in any position to say what magic can't do."

"Oh yeah," Watari said sheepishly, and then dodged to avoid being killed for a second time by a small boy determinedly flying a broom at him. A few seconds later, and Tatsumi was nearly taken out by a Hippogriff being pursued by an angry looking pair of Thestrals. He thought it might be Honeysuckle and Blossom.

They finished surveying Hogwarts and avoiding the unexpectedly high air traffic, and glided back to the ground. Tatsumi breathed a sigh of relief. He'd managed to borrow robes from somewhere, but the rest of the suitcases hadn't shown up and robes were distractingly.. breezy, particularly forty feet in the air in a strong wind. Watari was blissfully unconcerned about the prospects of wearing a dress for the next week or so. In fact, compared to some things he'd worn when too preoccupied by scientific matters to remember about those pesky social decency laws, it was a definite improvement. And it certainly eliminated the annoying problem of having to remember to put on at least _two_ pieces of clothes, one for the bottom half and one for the top.

"There is one remaining Horcrux," Tatsumi said, continuing to debrief Watari. "Although we suspect he chose to hide this one close to Hogwarts to avoid detection, Voldemort chooses objects of high significance and hides them well. They'll be very difficult to find-"

"Found it!" Tsuzuki yelled, bounding out from the castle. "It was one of Harry's socks."

"-and when we find it, we destroy it," Tatsumi continued as serenely as he could upon seeing Tsuzuki wearing one of Yuma's dresses and triumphantly waving a sock.

"Can I make it go boom?" Watari asked hopefully.

"No," Tatsumi said sternly. "Tsuzuki, you seem to be relatively indestructible. Would you do us the honours?"

Tsuzuki considered the sock thoughtfully, then gestured for everyone to get very, very far away. A second later, all twelve of his shikigami simultaneously arrived, all standing in a circle around one small sock, looking deeply confused. Hagrid appeared in a surprisingly stealthy, ninja-like manner for a half-giant, instantly drawn to anything large, magical and good at wreaking havoc.

"I would like you to destroy this sock, please," Tsuzuki said politely.

Byakko bounded forward and ate it.

There was an enormous explosion. Byakko had disappeared, but so had the sock. Suzaku disappeared for a second, and then reappeared and assured them he was fine, but had one hell of a stomach ache.

"Now, we wait for news of Voldemort's location," Tatsumi said, leaving for his first lesson.

Tsuzuki bounced off to the huts with Hagrid, in quite a good mood. The last Horcrux was already gone, and he was looking forward to working with Hagrid's odd assortment of animals. His mood went rapidly downhill when he met the first few animals. There were the Thestrals, who despite their spooky appearance, were easily won over with a sugar lump, a Bowtruckle that tried to poke Tsuzuki in the eye, a Blast-Ended Skrewt and a smallish Acromantula with a sprained ankle, which Hagrid was taking care of.

Then after all those horrible monsters, there was a chimera. A fluffy, pink chimera that appeared to be a hybrid of bunnies, puppies and kittens. Tsuzuki made an excited sort of squeaking noise and tried to hug it.

"Watch out," Hagrid said, alarmed. "It's the worst one o' the lot-"

There was another explosion.

"Yeh shouldn't have done that, Miss Paws," Hagrid scolded the chimera, and then suddenly noticed that Tsuzuki was missing much of his ribcage. He looked alarmed. "We'd better be nippin' up to Madam Pomfrey with all yer.. er, fallen off bits, she'll sort it out no problem-"

"Ah, it's nothing," Tsuzuki interrupted the babbling, shrugging off the enormous hole in his chest. "I've had worse. Once I gave birth to a sort of giant demon dog thing through my spine."

"Mpreg?" Hagrid asked.

"I thought you couldn't get the internet at Hogwarts," Tsuzuki looked shocked. "Wait, how do you know-"

Hagrid blushed, and suddenly went very quiet.

- - -

Hisoka was having a terrible time in Slytherin.

Apparently, someone called "Draco Malfoy" had left last year, which meant the transfer students were on the lookout for a Slytherin boy who filled one or more of their criteria of being goth, pretty, evil, bitchy or angsty. Despite being a pretty, snarky, rich Slytherin, Blaise Zabini was left relatively unmolested for the first time since arriving at Hogwarts, since it had unexpectedly emerged only last year that he was in fact neither a pale gothic waif or a hot Italian girl, and people now feared what else he may be hiding. No one was quite sure how a young black man had managed to hide his identity so well for these years. It was just one of many mysteries at Hogwarts.

Anyway, this meant that all of the attention had now passed straight on to Hisoka. Despite refusing to borrow their eyeliner, keeping his uniform as within regulations as possible, following every rule and proclaiming his favourite bands included the Vengaboys, Spice Girls and Dead or Alive, along with their other special powers they seemed to have a mysterious ability to pick up on the fact that Hisoka was technically dead, and an undead boyfriend was very desirable in these parts.

He lurked in his bedroom until the very last moment before breakfast and then sprinted out to the hall, followed by a shower of My Chemical Romance tickets and bad poetry. Once he was there, he determinedly wedged himself between Crabbe and Goyle.

"Buh?" Crabbe said. Or maybe it was Goyle.

"You," Hisoka said quietly. "are my new best friends, and if you leave me alone in the presence of an American transfer student for a single _second_, I'll personally see to it that you get reincarnated as a pair of slugs in a salt factory. For your next five thousand incarnations. Then, you can work your way up to being a pair of dungbeetles and spend a few lifetimes shoving dung next to Hitler." He looked over the piece of toast he was currently hiding behind. One of the girls, possibly Rayvenetta, was sat opposite him. Her bosoms heaved ominously.

"Ah," Goyle said wisely. Goyle didn't know much, but he did know that it made you head hurt less if you handed over all of your free will and decision making to a smaller, bossier Slytherin boy so that you could spend all your time smashing things instead of thinking.

- -

The rest of Tsuzuki's work was fun. At least, the parts were he was still mostly in one or two pieces, and one of Hagrid's monsters wasn't gleefully galloping into the distance gnawing on a detached limb. The only thing that spoiled it was, as usual, Muraki.

"Look at me, Mr Tsuzuki! I'm KILLING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT! Whatcha going to do about THAT, then?"

Well, perhaps he hadn't put it quite like that, but once you took away the dramatic speeches and occasional flourish, that was the gist of things.

"That's nice, Muraki," Tsuzuki said indulgently. He felt safe saying this, since Muraki's summoned monsters were not holding up well against a school full of students fuelled by both magic and teenage angst. He didn't think any of the higher-ups would be pleased though, and so while he was running after a hippogriff trying to get his right hand back, he decided to try reverse psychology. "You kill those evil demonic schoolchildren!" he called encouragingly. Muraki was currently attempting to murder a small boy. Neville, Tsuzuki thought he was called.

Muraki stopped dead, apparently displeased to hear that he was, for once, _not_ sowing discord and chaos everywhere he went.

Everything was blissfully quiet for a few minutes, save the grisly chewing noises from the renegade hippogriff loudly eating Tsuzuki's missing hand. Then a nasal voice piped up again.

"Look at me, Mr Tsuzuki! I'm NOT WEARING ANY PANT-"

"Good work, Neville!" Tsuzuki called out, as the voice was suddenly cut off. Neville looked a bit miserable. He had only meant to knock Muraki out, not into Mrs Paws's waiting claws. A few minutes later, Tsuzuki received an interesting message from 003 and set off to look for Hisoka.

Tsuzuki was ambling around the dungeons, when Hisoka emerged from one of the rooms at high velocity. There was an ominous rumbling from behind him that Tsuzuki at first attributed to the two enormous, troll-like girls who were galloping after him, and then he remembered that Watari was working with the Potions master, explaining both ominous rumbles and why those two girls had crew-cuts despite their D-cup chests.

Hisoka threw himself into Tsuzukis arms, babbling something hysterical about sex change potions and American transfer students. The two enormous girls stopped, scratching their heads and wondering if they too should jump upon Tsuzuki. Thankfully, it took Crabble and Goyle a good few minutes to make a decision, and by that time Tsuzuki and Hisoka had already fled from the dungeons.

"Voldemort is heading this way," Tsuzuki explained, once they had retrieved a slightly charred Watari from the dungeons. Watari was too busy rejoicing in his new-found bosoms to care about the minor fire damage.

"Would you believe it?" He beamed as they dragged him off to find Saya and Yuma. "All it needed was a little bubotuber pus, a medium parboiled leech, some mashed dragon eyes and half a teaspoon of vanilla essence-"

He shut up as there was an excited squeal from Saya and Yuma at the sight of his truly impressive norks. They were dragging along a sullen-looking Boy Who Lived, who would very soon become a Transvestite Who Lived if they had their way. Watari wondered how best to sneak Harry a spoonful of sex change potion, purely in the interests of throwing Voldemort off by means of a cunning disguise.

The meeting ended up taking place in Hagrid's hut, since the bunny/puppy/kitten chimera 'Mrs Paws' was considered the most effective way of making sure that absolutely no one would try to listen in. Tatsumi and Professor McGonagall had already debriefed Harry and an assortment of friends upon the shinigami's roles, and now there was nothing left to do except dream up a cunning plan.

There was an explosion from outside. Tsuzuki glanced out the window.

"Go home, Muraki," he told the doctor, who was currently scrambling up a tree, trying to fend off Mrs Paws. He pulled the curtains shut again.

"It's supposed to be Harry's destiny to defeat Lord Voldemort," a bushy-haired girl spoke up again, petulantly.

Tsuzuki thought about it. "Did the prophecy say anything specifically about Harry's destiny being to kill a Voldemort who was _not _being distracted by.. say, twelve rampaging shikigami, a mad scientist, a small, bossy empath, someone who can bore Voldemort to death with numbers and stab him to death with pointy shadows, two hyperactive young ladies, and a possible part-demon with a cheesecake on his head?"

"...No," Hermione reluctantly admitted. Tsuzuki beamed. Hisoka looked inspired. That speech had given him the rest of the cunning plan they needed. He excused himself, and made his way to the Slytherin common room.

"Raven, Lily, Ravena, Destiny, Ray'vena, Vampiria, Drucilla, Rai-Ven, Aurora, Rayvenne, Lillith, Kali, Ravenetta, Lithium, Gothicka, Morticia, Ravenella, Elvira, Angel, Camille, Rayven, Star, Brody, Raiven, Melankolia, Cat, Angelica, Rayvene, Twiggy, Akasha, Tristessa, Raven II, Selena? I need your help, and I'm willing to go to a My Chemical Romance concert with you all to do it."

- - -

"Ah, Mr Potter," Voldemort smirked at his secret hideout, petting his white Persian cat. "I... haven't been expecting you."

Lord Voldemort was sat on a comfy looking couch in his dressing gown, wearing a face mask and eating a box of chocolates while watching _Pretty Woman_ on a large screen TV.

Voldemort shrugged and stood up anyway. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

There was a green flash of light. Watari giggled. "It tickles," he said by explanation, noticing he was getting some strange looks. Voldemort shook his wand experimentally. It wasn't making any strange noises. It didn't seem to be broken. He raised it again, and found his next killing spell bouncing back off a large white tiger as twelve shikigami appeared and responded to Tsuzuki's somewhat vague orders of "Run around and cause lots of trouble."

Voldemort wasn't the Dark Lord for nothing. Although mildly put off by rampaging phoenixes, dragons, hellfire serpents and numerous shinigami (several of them in dresses, and one of them trying to surreptitiously attack him with a water pistol filled with sex-change potion), not to mention the fact that he was wearing a dressing gown and a Warming Mineral Face Mask _and_ missing the ending of Pretty Woman, he had soon got his act together and managed to get rid of at least the shikigami. He advanced on the group, glad that their silly little distractions were over. Hisoka smirked.

"DADDY!" something squealed. Raven, Lily, Ravena, Destiny, Ray'vena, Vampiria, Drucilla, Rai-Ven, Aurora, Rayvenne, Lillith, Kali, Ravenetta, Lithium, Gothicka, Morticia, Ravenella, Elvira, Angel, Camille, Rayven, Star, Brody, Raiyvahnne, Melankolia, Cat, Angelica, Rayvenia, Twiggy, Akasha, Tristessa, Raven II and Selena had all came running into the room simultaneously. Voldemort took a deep breath and raised his wand.

"Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy! Stupefy!"

One by one, Voldemort's illegitimate American offspring were knocked out, leaving Voldemort very out of breath and surrounded by a large pile of stunned goths. "And now," he gasped, struggling to lift his wand. "Harry Potter.."

Muraki came rushing into the room.

"Look at me, Mr Tsuzuki!" he declared. "I'm killing the Dark Lord!"

There was an explosion as Muraki accidentally took the killing spell meant for Harry and disappeared to wherever possibly-not-quite-mortal evil supervillains disappear to when they're temporarily a bit deader than usual. Voldemort threw his wand across the room in disgust.

"This really isn't how I expected things would go," Harry said, looking disillusioned that the final confrontation had come down to this. He pointed his wand at his face-mask wearing, dressing-gowned nemesis, who was struggling to catch his breath while wading out of an enormous pool of unconscious Slytherin goths. "Avada kedavra!"

And all was well. Except for the part where it appeared that a Stunning Spell's effects could be cancelled by the caster's death. Raven, Lily, Ravena, Destiny, Ray'vena, Vampiria, Drucilla, Rai-Ven, Aurora, Rayvenne, Lillith, Kali, Ravenetta, Lithium, Gothicka, Morticia, Ravenella, Elvira, Angel, Camille, Rayven, Star, Brody, Raiven, Melankolia, Cat, Angelica, Rayvene, Twiggy, Akasha, Tristessa, Raven II and Selena were now determinedly advancing on the group with a strange look in their eyes.

"Hisoka, what did you promise them?" Tsuzuki asked nervously.

"Dates with the undead?" Hisoka had to confess he hadn't quite thought out this part of the plan. However, they were saved by a distant whinnying sound. Saya and Yuma whistled, and Honeysuckle and Blossom came galloping into the room, each Thestral now adorned with pink ribbons in their stringy black manes, their hooves painted in a familiar-looking shade of pink nail polish. Saya, Yuma and Watari scrambled onto one, Tsuzuki, Tatsumi and Hisoka onto the other, and the slightly overloaded Thestrals leaped out Voldemort's window and flew away to the safety of Japan, leaving Harry and friends to the tender mercies of irate American transfer students.


End file.
